Buckle up. I'm about to whine and cry and complain sarcastically about Michael Bay going anywhere near the new and (improved?) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Watch out, kids. It just may dip into PG-14 territory...
I have a very juvenile sense of humor. Sue me. One of my first thoughts of the TMNTs being Aliens was that would make them TANTs. That's right. Taints. I don't write this stuff to win awards, folks. I write it to amuse myself and sometimes others.
I am going to try my best to write a pros/cons way of looking at this. I won't try to do it in list form. I'm just going to free flow write it. Here we go -
So Michael Bay is producer of the new Ninja Turtles due to come out next Christmas? I have no reference to this so I can't back that up. Read around. You may dig up more than I have so far. I am 30 - due to be 31 this summer. I have never been a successful nerd. I buy comic books yet I don't really like "Superheroes". So I feel dumb and out of place in comic book stores around the guys who adore Superman and other tights wearing vigilantes from outerspace and other dimensions. I like the horror comics and Howard the Duck. But, I am not obsessed with any of them. I have never been able to just hone in on any one thing I like. I like so much but don't have so much time here on Earth. I just don't get obsessed.
But, the Ninja Turtles. THAT was and has always been a big deal to me. How big of a deal? So big - that when I heard about Michael Bay have ANYthing to do with the TMNTs my heart sank. Who the heck thought THAT was great idea? Didn't everyone see what happened to the Transformers? I was never a fan of the Transformers. Never was a car guy and robots just weren't my thing growing up. I liked monsters and creatures and ... well...mutants. When the Transformers movie came out I kinda' liked the first one. Over the top? Sure - but it wasn't unwatchable. I never had any attachment to any of the characters or the stories from the cartoon/toy series.
But, the turtles were biological monsters that were funny all the time and kicked butt all the time and ate PIZZA all the time. Robots didn't. These creatures sure did and they did with gusto every Saturday Morning. It was my religion just like so many of you. The Ninjat Turtles helped me forget about my stupid homework I was neglecting and helped me realize that you could put ANYTHING on a pizza and it was RADICAL! They taught me that bad guys were evil and dumb and sometimes you lost fights to them - but if you work together and you don't give up eventually you will overcome your enemies (life trials).
The TMNTs did this for me with violence, sci-fi, junk food and interdimensional travel. I thank them for their devotion to weirdness and devotion to the Saturday Morning cause. They were always four. They were always brothers and they were always biological freak accidents ;Ancient Japanese warrior souls trapped in mutated turtle/human bodies. Also, they were always teenagers.
Does all this change when they are an alien race? Yes. Humans have teenagers - aliens? Nope. Mutants are biological freaks. Are bio-freaks a RACE? No they are not. Can aliens be ninjas? I guess. Can the aliens be turtles? - Let me answer by asking you this...Are Turtles Aliens?
So basically what I think the only saving grace to the Michael Bay TMNT reboot/reimage is this. They won't be TMNT the way I want it the same way DARK SHADOWS isn't going to be DS the Soap Opera for all those fans. But, DS looks hilarious and entertaining and I wasn't an uber fan so I can forgive and forget.
The bottom line is we will have to do the same for the TMNTs in 2013. They won't really be Teenage - they won't really be Mutants - they might be ninjas - and they won't really be turtles. TMNT by name only. I look forward to seeing what is going to happen. I hope they look like this...
But I doubt it. It would be wicked crazy if they did! I guess all we can hope for is that there are a core group of 4 turtles that are brothers and they have the personalities we love about them as well as their adopted skill sets. We hope for an awesome Casey Jones and April O'neal (Who I pray to GOD aren't astronauts!) Splinter better be there as well as the Shredder. If not...I don't think I have any hope. And please...PLEASE, Michael Bay. Don't try to insert your TERRIBLE sense of humor into this one. PLEASE? They are ninja first and comedians second. Don't ruin that. Don't touch it, please. They are all the same race, remember? Don't make them come to Earth and try and adapt to the mix of New York flavor.
Oh, no. I can see it now~!
Donatello - A black dude who talks jive and raps (oh please no)
Michelangelo - Super in your face gay latino
Raphael - MMA fighter / Italian
Leonardo - Brooding Emo/Hipster Leader / Caucasian
Please, Bay. Please oh God no please not this....
Okay everyone, cross your fingers and wish real hard and maybe this thing will turn out really cool and our kids will love it and Ninja Turtles will be on top again...maybe...
But, hey, there is a silver lining. Nikelodeon is pumping out a new TMNT cartoon that is like we remember but looks a bit different for 2012. Sweet! And the toy line!~ Mattel! The toy line looks great!
MTV GEEK NEWS TMNT TOY FIRST LOOKS!
Teaser for Cartoon
There IS HOPE for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles after all! Sorry Bay...can't win 'em all. I have a feeling the kids out there are going to call BS on your movie next year. At least...I hope they do if things aren't canon for the Turtles. AS for me...until I see different - Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles will always be TANTs in my eyes.
Until next time,